today we had a sonogram. i'm 17 weeks along, and although we couldn't really get a good shot of this fantastic little marvel (there was so much squirming going on!), there was some indication that this baby is a boy.
i'm going to need another sonogram in a few weeks to be convinced. so many things pointed to this being a girl. things like:
i've had a name in mind for years. in some of the healing work i've been doing,
God has been dealing with some 'girl' issues, some of which are mother/daughter things...
things that are difficult to articulate, but those things finally made the name make sense.
at first i just liked it because it's pretty. but now i understand...
but today, i am so flummoxed.
this is what i know: when i saw those two lines on that pregnancy test, i immediately felt like, "it's a girl. i just know it." i started called her by name that day. only a girl baby made any sense at all to me. (even still...)
and then eden's prayer...
i've said from the beginning that i don't need it to be either. i never have hoped for one over the other but today, looking at that screen, i felt confused. and i felt sad. i LOVE boys. i love HAVING boys. they are fantastic little creatures and i am entirely smitten with them. so my sadness was not over my own disappointment.
it was for eden. when we were walking back out to the car, she said, "it's not fair."
we got about a block down the street and i saw her begin to retract. curled up the front seat, her face fell, and then her tears. it was so hard to watch, and i had no words to console her. i reached out and rubbed her arm, i told her it was okay to be disappointed, and that we weren't really sure yet. a child's faith is such a fragile thing and it hurt me to see her struggle this way. i know that God is not a vending machine and we don't get everything we ask for but she was the only one who cared either way what we had. she's asked me for years, years... "mama, please can i have a baby sister?"
i don't want this to be the beginning of her thinking prayers don't work, God doesn't care, He isn't dependable, faith is stupid.
those lies are hard to come back from. i know, because i remember when my heart turned the same corner.
i want to make this easier for her... i want to fix it... but i don't know what to say. all i have is a prayer. God, please... please help her.