4.10.2013

the God of disappointment?

when we first told the kids that we would soon have a new baby in the house, eden was the most excited.  sitting on the couch, curled up next to the arm, she sat up straighter and smashed her hands together real tight. i wish you could've seen her. "REALLY?!", she said, beaming.  then she fell onto the arm all dramatic like and said, "i'm so happy!!!" we all smiled with her.  and then she said, "i've been praying every night for a sister!"

today we had a sonogram.  i'm 17 weeks along, and although we couldn't really get a good shot of this fantastic little marvel (there was so much squirming going on!), there was some indication that this baby is a boy.

i'm going to need another sonogram in a few weeks to be convinced.  so many things pointed to this being a girl.  things like:

i've had a name in mind for years.  in some of the healing work i've been doing, 
God has been dealing with some 'girl' issues, some of which are mother/daughter things...  
things that are difficult to articulate, but those things finally made the name make sense. 
 at first i just liked it because it's pretty.  but now i understand... 

but today, i am so flummoxed.

this is what i know: when i saw those two lines on that pregnancy test, i immediately felt like, "it's a girl. i just know it."  i started called her by name that day.  only a girl baby made any sense at all to me. (even still...)

and then eden's prayer...

i've said from the beginning that i don't need it to be either. i never have hoped for one over the other but today, looking at that screen, i felt confused.  and i felt sad.  i LOVE boys. i love HAVING boys.  they are fantastic little creatures and i am entirely smitten with them.  so my sadness was not over my own disappointment.

it was for eden.  when we were walking back out to the car, she said, "it's not fair."

we got about a block down the street and i saw her begin to retract. curled up the front seat, her face fell, and then her tears. it was so hard to watch, and i had no words to console her. i reached out and rubbed her arm, i told her it was okay to be disappointed, and that we weren't really sure yet. a child's faith is such a fragile thing and it hurt me to see her struggle this way.  i know that God is not a vending machine and we don't get everything we ask for but she was the only one who cared either way what we had.  she's asked me for years, years... "mama, please can i have a baby sister?"

i don't want this to be the beginning of her thinking prayers don't work, God doesn't care, He isn't dependable, faith is stupid.  

those lies are hard to come back from.  i know, because i remember when my heart turned the same corner.

i want to make this easier for her... i want to fix it... but i don't know what to say.  all i have is a prayer. God, please...  please help her.

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3 comments:

  1. oh, sweet baby girl. you now what? the Lord
    is going to claim her precious heart and show
    her His love no matter what.

    i learned how to love Him when i was disappointed.
    she has grown up on His love, grace, and mercy.
    that will see her through another brother. and
    sail her through another sister.

    although, you might warn her that sisters are the
    most frustrating thing on the planet.

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  2. Oh my goodness...it's been like, two years since I've been "blog-hopping," and this reminds me exactly of why I love reading them. Why I love reading you. Wow, girl. Such insight you have into that sweet little heart of hers; God is going to use this in her life, one way or the other. He'll find a way. His Name is on the line, and He won't let you (or her) down. Not promising you a girl, but I am saying He will use the experience to teach her about Himself. Wear your knees out, Momma.

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  3. Oh how I've missed your writing!

    Praying for your sweet girl, and her mama. She's about to learn one of the great lessons (that I continue to keep relearning) that God shows us His heart when He answers our prayers differently than we desire...because He truly knows what our hearts desire most, even when we think we do.

    *hello run-on and on and on sentences.

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