when we first told the kids that we would soon have a new baby in the house, eden was the most excited. sitting on the couch, curled up next to the arm, she sat up straighter and smashed her hands together real tight. i wish you could've seen her. "REALLY?!", she said, beaming. then she fell onto the arm all dramatic like and said, "i'm so happy!!!" we all smiled with her. and then she said, "i've been praying every night for a sister!"
today we had a sonogram. i'm 17 weeks along, and although we couldn't really get a good shot of this fantastic little marvel (there was so much squirming going on!), there was some indication that this baby is a boy.
i'm going to need another sonogram in a few weeks to be convinced. so many things pointed to this being a girl. things like:
i've had a name in mind for years. in some of the healing work i've been doing,
God has been dealing with some 'girl' issues, some of which are mother/daughter things...
things that are difficult to articulate, but those things finally made the name make sense.
at first i just liked it because it's pretty. but now i understand...
but today, i am so flummoxed.
this is what i know: when i saw those two lines on that pregnancy test, i immediately felt like, "it's a girl. i just know it." i started called her by name that day. only a girl baby made any sense at all to me. (even still...)
and then eden's prayer...
i've said from the beginning that i don't need it to be either. i never have hoped for one over the other but today, looking at that screen, i felt confused. and i felt sad. i LOVE boys. i love HAVING boys. they are fantastic little creatures and i am entirely smitten with them. so my sadness was not over my own disappointment.
it was for eden. when we were walking back out to the car, she said, "it's not fair."
we got about a block down the street and i saw her begin to retract. curled up the front seat, her face fell, and then her tears. it was so hard to watch, and i had no words to console her. i reached out and rubbed her arm, i told her it was okay to be disappointed, and that we weren't really sure yet. a child's faith is such a fragile thing and it hurt me to see her struggle this way. i know that God is not a vending machine and we don't get everything we ask for but she was the only one who cared either way what we had. she's asked me for years, years... "mama, please can i have a baby sister?"
i don't want this to be the beginning of her thinking prayers don't work, God doesn't care, He isn't dependable, faith is stupid.
those lies are hard to come back from. i know, because i remember when my heart turned the same corner.
i want to make this easier for her... i want to fix it... but i don't know what to say. all i have is a prayer. God, please... please help her.
a few months ago, all the kids needed new undies. (they'll love me for sharing that someday.) standing there looking at the character underwear, i ask noah which ones he wants. i could see he was standing back a little from the rack and when i asked he was like, "um, can i just get plain ones? i'm not really into the character ones anymore." and just like that, at nine years old, he crossed over.
no warning.
no heads up so i could prepare my heart, and standing there in the aisle i felt the squeeze of the going away.
it steals your breath. it does.
+ + + + + + +
this week, i walked into my room, to put myself to bed. when i opened the door there was a box resting between my pillow and danny's.
(there was also a little zipper pouch addressed to me, filled with dried rose petals.)
the box was addressed:
mom and dad, not mama and daddy.
nothing could prepare me for what it contained.
i opened the box, and my heart lay inside.
she put my heart in a box.
this monkey has been her favorite stuffed animal for years. she fell in love with it when she first laid eyes on it. it has been her Velveteen Rabbit. Monkey and Bugs (her blanket) have gone everywhere with us.
i walked into her room, holding Monkey, and said, "you're done with Monkey?" "yeah", she said.
just like that. eight years old.
i said, "ok, now listen, you can't do that with Bugs next week, okay? i can't handle that." to which she responded by shoving her unraveling, tattered blanket under her covers to signify that she wasn't giving it up any time soon.
naturally, i've spent the last two nights with my fingers wrapped around Monkey. she may be able to let her go, but i'm not ready yet.
ya'll. years ago i went through a huge rachel ashwell phase. HUGE. i mean, i wanted everything in my house to be white. white walls, white trim, i wanted every piece of furniture to be painted white, white slip-covered duck cloth sofas, white painted floors even, and white candles! lots and lots of white candles! i was drunk on The White.
and then i became sort of bored with that idea before it ever materialized, so maybe i have to revoke my "HUGE" assessment, seeing as i never actually put it into practice and how can one be a real fanatic but only in her mind?
anyway, i think it was the birthing of a couple kids, what deterred me. not only that, i never really could sell danny on it, and it was never in the budget to get rid of EVERYTHING we owned and start over. which is what i tend to want to do when i get a wild hair.
as it stands, every room in our house is "colored" and i have really enjoyed that, but i'm beginning to feel a bit 'over it'. i'm not kidding when i say it makes my breathing tight and shallow.
we painted the living room when i was last pregnant and it's this bold, yellow color that has been so much fun!
valspar | midnight bonfire
i've been looking at it now though for almost six years and my trigger finger is itchy. itchy, i say! enough already! all of a sudden it feels too dark. i'm feeling a little bit suffocated by it, and lo! what color would i want but white. life always circles back on itself, don't it.
i think the appeal right now is simplicity.
white feels... simple.
untroubled.
fresh.
bright.
the opposite of chaotic.
i need to create an environment in my color scheme that is not chaotic, to combat the internal chaos i'm feeling, of course (and also the impending external chaos that is to come). (how many times can i say chaos but i think you get the point.)
in my mind i have become a little bit frank costanza: SERENITY NOW!
so here's what i'm thinking, somewhat...
the bright accent colors make me happy. so do the bright white walls.
white feels so open, doesn't it? so spacious, and i am feeling the need for SPACE. even just the illusion of space is fine by me! add in a little color in other places, i.e.: new curtains, a rug on the floor, new throw pillows for the couch... and i'll breathe easier than julie andrews, twirling in a Bob Ross painting.
sweet mother of pearl, i think i had forgotten the suffering of the first trimester. i keep trying to do stuff (bathe, brush my teeth, empty the sink, feed someone) and then ending up back on the couch or sleeping in my bed, lambasted. i can barely make it to mid-day without sleeping at some point, and THAT after staying in bed 'til 9, so.
d calls throughout the day to check in on us and even the shortest of conversations is exhausting to me. the simple act of vocalizing, insufferable. i am delightful.
we should've told everyone sooner about the pregnancy, like maybe the day we found out about it. yeah, that's the day we should've gone public because then when i say that i'm happy about it people might actually believe me.
right now i get a quizzical look. 'oh, wow... congratulations. are y'all excited? i mean, how do y'all feel about it?' i know their confusion is because of my face.
well, it's not exactly incontrovertible. my face, that is.
i will say this though (and i hope it lasts): i haven't had any real strong food aversions. i remember being pregnant with noah and not being able to handle chicken on the bone. disgust. i cooked it once and let it stay too long in the crockpot. by dinnertime the crockpot was filled with shredded chicken and bones. consequently, i couldn't eat chicken til long after he was born. i could barely saychicken without my stomach rising to greet me.
the food cravings, though, they are pretty bossy. give me a burger and fries right now. and a coke! move it or lose it, sister! very bossy. and not very health-conscious, either.
the love will return, i know it will, but if it follows the course it always has, it'll arrive magically at the beginning of the second trimester. oh dear sweet baby moses, please don't follow that course. come quickly, magic! show me the meaning of haste! and bring me a coke!
so i'm pregnant, and i have a head cold. it's a very particular brand of "not feeling so hot". i have logged more hours on the couch in the past week than i care to admit.
..sitting on the couch staring into space or crawling back into bed and napping. lots of hours.
the kids, bless their hearts (and hungry bellies), ask how long i'll be sick. i say, with as much enthusiasm as i can muster, with them i was sick for 3 months but hope it doesn't last that long this time. they're understandably horrified at 2 more months of this madness (as am i) but mostly i think they're worried about getting to eat something besides sandwiches and cereal they made for themselves.
my little one asked me today if he could have marshmallows and bread for lunch. he wanted a marshmallow sandwich. he was not happy when i said no.
i'm hoping most of the misery is the cold though because that won't last as long. maybe it's just wishful thinking though. sometimes you have to lie to yourself to get through the day intact.
//1
graham cooke
i know i talked about him in April and now i'm talking about him again... i just can't get enough.
i am learning the affection of God. who could ever tire of that?
his teaching is changing my whole approach to walking with God. i want to have it running all day and night long. i want it to wash over me until i am changed. it is so, so good.
it will feed and nourish you and change the way you see things. it's brilliant.
"whatever God is, He is relentlessly."
//2
february 4th
that's the day i finally took my Christmas tree down.
i PR'd.
(for those of you who may not know what that is, it means "personal record" and in the running world, it's sometimes used as a verb. when you beat your personal record, you say you "PR'd".)
speaking of running, i haven't done any of that since early November, so, i needed a PR somewhere else. you know, if you believe in yourself and you try real hard, you can be just as ambitious as i am.
//3
affirmation
i got such a sweet email this past week, from a complete stranger, no less. someone named "anonymous". weird.
here's what was said:
you are truly a just right webmaster.
("just right", did you hear that? and they said "truly" so it has to be true.)
The website loading speed is amazing.
(oh good! i was concerned about that. just the other day i was thinking, "man, i sure my website loading speed is amazing".)
It seems that you are doing any unique trick.
("any unique trick"! wow! i am a prodigy!)
Moreover,
("Moreover"... oh there's more?! i'm dumbstruck!)
The contents are masterpiece.
("are masterpiece". singular. apparently, i'm very good at my craft.)
i hope you guys get really good feedback like this, too. affirmation is important.
//4
babies
four. that's how many children we'll have by the end of this year. i knew 2013 was going to be a big one, but this?
in my short energy bursts, i have a strong urge to go through every room with a very large trash bag throwing stuff away all willy-nilly, and also to (commandeer my husband to) repaint the walls (white!)
i haven't executed any of that, but in my head, there is a whole lot getting done.
i need less stuff in order to make room for more people!
also, i should probably just get a new house.
it should be stated (in case it's not clear) that we are all thrilled. a new baby! there is just nothing so precious and so yummy-delicious-smelling!
so while i do feel a bit like that bird at times (when i think too far into the future), i also feel peace. i feel God. i feel this sweetness, and look forward to bathing this sweet beauty... after this video, who wouldn't...
also, i'm gonna need a bigger sink.
//5
DIY
while we're on the subject of babies.... this is my new favorite homemade gift for newborns. if you are in my vicinity and you have a baby, you are getting some of these burp cloths.
the only difference is i use flannel because i loathe sewing with knits. i am terrible at it.
the worst.
but flannel... i mean, is it the fabric of the angels or what? it's so easy to work with and so soft for those sweet baby cheeks. it's made out of angels. it has to be.
maybe my favorite thing about making these is that they're made using fat quarters so i never get tired of the print. i make 2 cloths of each print and then move onto the next one. boom, never bored. for the win.
//6
valentine's day is coming up. danny asked me yesterday what i wanted and at first i was all NOTHING. I HATE FLOWERS AND CRAP. and then today i texted him, 'hey, remember that thing i once said about not wanting anything for valentine's day? i lied. i want a haircut.'
people dream of this kind of romance.
it took us ten years to cook it up too, so if you're newly married, don't think you'll get here overnight. be patient. it takes time. try to rush it and you'll only be disappointed.
------
it took me forever to get through those six things. i breezed through the first five alright, and then gridlock. you'd think after so many MONTHS of not saying anything i'd be flowing like some sort of free-flowing geyser or something. (my metaphors are very strong. i know.)
how did i ever come up with six things every week?
maybe my skills at doing "any unique trick" are waning. or maybe it's just nap time again.
it's running over with crap that doesn't "live" there.
drawers open, fruit and beverages strewn about all willy-nilly, leftovers from lunch, school books for myself and the kids, large appliances waiting for me to figure out where to put them....
on your right you will find juice and coffee stains (always), sinks overflowing like too much pudding in a too-small bowl, opened cookie packages from a moment of weakness last night (okay, and this morning), dish towels and store bags on the floor, and that ain't all.
a little further in and you'll find our beautiful dinner table sprawling with school supplies and half-eaten lunch bowls; art supplies, toys and paper scraps.
a little off the left of the kitchen, our living room is booby trapped with small lego pieces and pet shops.
in short, the house is filled with ransackery... and these are only the front rooms, minus the laundry room. i just don't even have the guts to go there.
okay fine, i've come this far. i won't punk out.
(shame spiral kickin' into overdrive)
i swear, the things i do for you people.
pinterest laundry room:
the difference is barely noticeable, right?
it's the same room, just taken from a different angle.
forty-six.
can you believe it?
i should maybe oughta start thinking about something fun to do for the 50th, since it'll be my GOLDEN anniversary...
please, only monetary gifts. make all checks payable to cash, and you can rest easy knowing i will very likely spend it all in one place.
probably ross. or maybe hobby lobby.
anyway, let's save that conversation for a later date. it's a little early to start celebrating. at my rate it may take 6-10 more weeks to even get there.
-------
we've finally arrived to today's list!
let's begin.
//1
home schooling
this past week marked the end of our school year, so it may be an odd time to add home schooling to the list, (or maybe not) but this week was just one of those times that i could really see this thing. granted, it is easier to feel the pleasure of it when i'm not in the trenches.
still, i am so thankful that i am able to be home and spend so much time with my littles, and with 3 years of it now under our belts, i finally feel comfortable doing it. it's feeling more and more commodious.
that word has nothing to do with toilets,
as you may be presuming.
from the outset, we said we'd take it a year at a time and we have. it seems though that the years are rolling together more seamlessly and i'm deciding long before june that we're doing it again in august.
it is not always easy or pretty or fun or enjoyable,
but i can tell you in good faith that i do appreciate it in more ways than one.
i'm telling you, i cannot seem to get my fill of graham cooke this week. i have listened to podcast after podcast and some more than once! in my mind, he sounds like ricky gervais (which is a compliment) but the depths he speaks of...
i've had links to his teachings in my inbox for months and hadn't taken the time to listen. i wish i'd made the time sooner. i saw this video which kick started my interest again and now i'm like one of those youths with the ear buds in, all anti-social and like "don't talk to me, i'm busy".
//3
what? i'm cornfused.
walking through the grocery store on the canned veggie aisle, my littlest one asked for some corn and i said, "okay, i'll get you some organic corn."
he looks over to the left side and says, "look! there's some gigantic corn right there!"
//4
beauty stuff
i got me one o' these guys this week and man, i like dat. i don't know if it actually does any good, but it feels really nice so i like it just the same.
//5
asking followed by having
a few days back, i posted this picture on facebook with the caption: i would like one of these. can i have one of these, please?
indeed, all these years i have "had not" because i had "asked not".
almost immediately, a friend posted driving directions to a spot very much like it not 5 miles from my home. almost 9 years i've lived in this house and never knew about it!
not identical, no, but striking enough to both stop my heart and make it race all at once? yes! absolutely. today was not the last time i visit it.
//6
this little project
it's just a little something i started on instagam,
"...gonna start being on purpose to look out for pretty things near me: up the street, around the corner, next town over... it's all fair game. join me?"
take a photo, tag it #ilivenearprettythings. it's that easy.
just try not to get arrested for trespassing. it takes some time for that sort of thing to get expunged.
--------
have yo'self a happy sunday...
maybe find you a wooded lane to mosey down while listening to a bunch of graham cooke on your iPod. i don't know. that's what i would do.
