D is for Draftsack

draftsack 
 a bag of garbage; figuratively meaning a big paunch or belly

Sometimes, watching numbers rise is fun, like if it's your IQ, or the number of Benjamin's in your wallet.  Heck, even Jackson's or Hamilton's.  (Who am I kidding, I even get excited about the Washington's).

If that number is instead, inches around your middle, and everywhere else, well that's just less fun.  And not in a less is more kind of way.

We all have a breaking point; a number we reach where we say, that's it.  This line, I will not cross.  I've reached that line, and I'm too embarrassed to even tell you what it is.  Maybe when I get to the AFTER, I'll have the courage to show you the BEFORE & AFTER pictures.  Vanity restricts me for now. 
Vanity is cruelty.  
It whispers ugly things to me.  
Things that all say this one thing: 
You are not good enough. 

I finished reading Life of Pi and I loved it.  I agree with one of the reviewers who said, "it's difficult to stop reading when the pages run out".  I found several word gems in those pages (which is why I enjoy reading so much anyway).  One, in particular, speaks to this issue and this draftsack I've been schlepping around.  

"To look out with idle hope is tantamount to dreaming one's life away."

Translation in Jodie's world: Idle hope... Sitting here and hoping things will change... There is no ship coming to rescue me.  To hope to someday be thinner because I watch The Biggest Loser but then later eat myself into misery is tantamount to dreaming my life away and also digging a deeper hole that I'll have to climb out of later.  

Every week I share things that I love with y'all.  Mostly it's "stuff" that I want, but what I really want is freedom.  This is not God's best.  This is not what I was designed for.  I am not living the abundant life.  Bondage in abundance is not what he meant, but it's what I have. 

I've reached that point where I'm taking myself out of life, hiding myself away; saying "no" more than I want to because I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want people looking at me.  I don't want to put on clothes that fit too closely and spend hours comparing myself to you and trying to cover my "trouble spots", all while trying to put off the vibe that "I'm okay".  I don't want new accessories or new shoes, or a new pair of jeans.  All of those things that I customarily love all just feel like putting lipstick on a pig.  Shopping isn't fun anymore, and that is a dismal thing unto my soul.  I'm a shopper, y'all.   When people say "women be shoppin'", they're talking about me.  But I don't want to shop.  I want my life back.  I want confidence.  They don't sell that at Target.

There is nothing idle about getting free, is there?  I signed a contract and for the next 6 months (at least), I'll be pummeled and pounding the fat out of my draftsack and other regions at a Monday-Friday 5am class, very reminiscent of a B.L. Last Chance Workout.  

I have never been so sore in all my life.  I have to slide and shimmy my way out of bed because it's not yet possible to sit up with ease and I think it goes without saying that lowering myself into a sitting position and then trying to stand up out of it are exceedingly painful and difficult.  It's as hard as it was after my first C-section.  Yeah.  That hard.   I'm hurtin' y'all.

But I'm hurting in a different way than I've been hurting.

It feels like hope. It feels like coming alive.  And it feels good.

Comments

  1. Oh, Jodie, I'm so excited for you!

    If only we could stop comparing ourselves to each other....but, alas, we are women.

    You want to be thinner like someone else....someone else wants your beautiful blue eyes....I want to be more girly....

    we all want what the other one has!

    anyway, good luck! or bonne chance, like you would say! You have more spunk in you than I could ever dream of having. Love you, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  2. there really is a good hurt that beats down
    the bad one.

    good for you, jodie! high fives all around!!!

    you will be amazed at how much easier
    life is when you don't have to carry the
    extra weight around. you will have more
    energy, but best of all you won't have to
    listen to those demons who say, "you
    can't or you don't wan to go there . .. "

    wait a minute, you don't have to listen
    to them now. "satan, we rebuke you and
    your hordes from tormenting sweet
    jodie! by the power and the authority
    of the Jesus we cast you back to the
    pit."

    and "Lord, i ask you to give jodie the
    courage and fortitude to see this
    through. please let her sense your
    strengthening power to complete this
    task in your sweet name we pray."

    prayer is tantamount to punching down
    draftsacks. :)

    love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. when you say you admire other people's courage, i think you forget your own. i don't know anyone who stands up and fights so often as you. you see the falls, i see the rising. i love every inch of you and i wish i had your heart. the force is strong with this one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm 'starring' this post in my reader list. I could stand this kind of commiseration/inspiration on a daily basis. If only there were more Benjamins to join such a sadistic group. Then again, pushing play on the DVD player is free.....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bren: It is a sadistic group, to be sure. I have blisters on my hands today to prove it. BLISTERS, said I! Oh but I love it!!

    And if it weren't Christmastime, we wouldn't have the Benjamins either. I just made it indisputably clear that all I wanted for Christmas was this - from everybody... no extras. ...and that's why we're able to do it at all - and I PRAISE GOD FOR IT! Blisters and all. :)

    It is SUCH A GIFT!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

there's alive. and there's Alive. i know which one i am.

the door of my lips

my revival