12.30.2010

Year Naming

I have spent the past year running.  Well, maybe not the entire year, but the better part of it.  Actually, I've done it nearly all my life.  When life gets tough and decisions don't come easy, and emotions battle against reason and I just don't wanna anymore, I run.  I hide.  I ignore.

I ignore my house.  The dust, the sticky floors, the piles, the meals.
I ignore my people, big and small.
I ignore that small voice that says, come away with me.

I stick my head in the sand of the internet, or the sewing machine, or a novel and I disappear from now. 

Running is my favorite dysfunctional behavior.  But this year, 2011, will be different.  Not because I say it will be (human effort accomplishes nothing), but because I feel God putting his finger on this area, and when God puts his finger on something in me, it changes.  I love that he comes for me.  I love that he doesn't leave me alone, to build this building all by myself.  I love that he comes for me.

I've already started 'cleaning house' by deleting bookmarked blogs that drag me away from home and I've replaced them with ones that speak words that make my soul strong.  Words that make me want to be home.  To be here.

I'm a homemaker.

I just am.  I don't want to 'go to work', or go to school.  I want to be home.  But this year I have fought that because I've felt outmatched.  Outdone.  Unfit for the battle.  Beat.

I've felt that it was altogether too much.  This battle, this lot... It was too big, and I, too little.

A few nights ago as I lay in bed ready for sleep, I thought of my life and of the so many things I feel I can't lay hold of... that my life is pulling away from me, and I can't keep up with the pace of it.  And then I saw myself swimming in open water; my life, all these things, a motor-powered vessel, pulling farther and farther ahead of me, widening the gap between us.

What a sinking feeling.

Life is hard, and it's fast, but part of my problem (if not all of it) is me.  (It nearly always is.)  My unwillingness to turn and face it, my turning away in hopes it'll all clear up while my back does all the talking, poor attitude, poor time management.  Feeding on junk food when there's wholeness to be had. Preferring the junk.

One of the new authors I've bookmarked has got me thinking (she always does).  Ann names her years, and this year, I'm doing that, too.  So much good comes from purposed living.  This year I'm following Ann's lead, and like her, I'm naming my year the Year of Here.

Aside: Ann's writing is brilliant.  Brilliant.  
When I read something good, and striking, 
I want to write it down.  (I usually do exactly that.) 
I want to write down her entire posts.  
They're that good.

It's gonna be a good year. 

Simple.  Trimmed down.  Purposed.  Here.  I've missed so much, and regret is corrosive.  I don't like the taste of it.  Pass me the present.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; 
the wise grows it under his feet. 
James Openheim

What'll you name your year?

7 comments:

  1. man, Jodie! I'll tell you right now why my house is so neat. I don't have all of that profound wisdom banging around in my brain like you do! The only things in my brain are "what do I need to get done today."

    I want mine to be the Year of Here! That's what I beat myself up about every day! I can't figure out how to enjoy right now.

    I am so not capable of doing this myself. Lord help!

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  3. If I asked myself that question more often and then did it, like you do, I would have alot less regrets.

    You should really check out Ann's blog: http://www.aholyexperience.com/
    I think it would help to ground you and settle your heart. I know it helps me tremendously.

    None of us are capable of doing it ourselves; he always calls us to something that cannot be done without him. He likes to be included. :)

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  4. I like this so much. I hear you. Maybe I am you?

    Regardless, I "get" you.

    Thank you for your raw openness here...He's using you.

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  5. My sweet friend. You have left me teary eyed and speechless. Thank you for posting this. My year: The Year of Being Still.

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  6. brilliance is often linked with one kind of
    disfunction or another. you are wise and
    humble to identify your own. and wiser
    to still to name your year the opposite.

    may your "here" be sweet, holy, and joyful!

    you are precious to me, and i will be
    praying for you.

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  7. I love you! I know we've talked about this, but this is the first I've read your post. You're hammerin' skills are on point:) I've named mine the Year of Victory! Victory over the things I run to instead of God. I know I can't do this without Him. Your floating in the ocean watching the boat drift away really got me thinking, first thought, awesome analogy(all about the words;), second thought, Sometimes whilst adrift, God's currents brought me to places of rest, a reef, sand bar, or buoy or even another person out there bobbing in the water alongside me sharing the pain, and fear. Or encouraging me to "just keep swimming". I thank God for those gifts constantly reminding me that He's not going anywhere, just patiently waiting on me. Thanks for bein' as see though as a lace curtain...wicha sweet self

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