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Showing posts from 2017

there's alive. and there's Alive. i know which one i am.

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last week (or maybe it was the week before... - doesn't matter, not important) i was running on the treadmill and this song came up on my playlist. something about that moment just felt like full on magic - and this whole blog came like a matrix download all at once right into my belly. as i ran, listening to the story of the lyrics, i was so energized - my pace quickened and i ran my little heart out on that treadmill, completely buoyed by what God has done in my life. it was one of those moments where i felt i could've run through a wall and kept running forever!


I was born in a thunderstorm*
my parents were teenagers. she loved him, he didn't love her back. he wasn't there the day we arrived. twin girls.  he came back after a while and they were married. he was drug addicted, violent, abusive to her. she fled when we were 2yo, along with my baby brother, then less than 6mo old.  a brave move for a frightened girl. I grew up overnight
we lived in poverty, dependent on …

in which i fillet myself like a fish

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can i step into the confessional here?

how i wish i could actually. in a small, dark booth, my face hidden.  

it's only thursday and the spotlight has been so turned in on me, my character flaws on full display. 

this though, this is easily the most embarrassing thing i have ever written about myself. i feel so laid bare by this one. first my mouthand now this. 

you know that time Peter denied Jesus 3x in one night. he's making me feel better about myself because i'm not the only fool Jesus ever loved.
it is so hard to tell on myself but it feels just, so. necessary. - if for no other reason than knowing that if i behave similarly in the future, he'll make me do it again!  
hard pass, y'all.
ok so, out with it. what am i blathering about?
oh, you know, just my integrity.
what we do in the dark. who we are in the quiet of our minds where nobody knows. when we're alone. when no one has to know.
this week i have been both a liar and a thief.

<><><><>&…

the door of my lips

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sunday morning in church the pastor shared with us two dreams that had been given to two of their intercessors.

in the one dream, a person stood before two fields, one in front of the other. 
in the first field, there were six alligators, representing big mouths.

gossip criticism complaint grumbling
contempt
negativity murmuring
life-sucking
in the field beyond them was a whale spouting water from its belly, representing the DEEP things of God.
to get to the deep things of God, we've got to get past our mouths.
to get to the deep things of God, i've got to get past my mouth.
James says it like this:

those who consider themselves religious
and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues  deceive themselves,  and their religion is worthless. james 1:26
worthless.
the tongue is a fire,  a world of evil among the parts of the body.  it corrupts the whole body,  sets the whole course of one's life on fire,  and is itself set on fire by hell. james 3:6

a wildfire. set on fire by hell.
not one for mincing …

the art of integration

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i'm fraying at the edge. 

you ever feel like your entire life is colluding against you, fighting to keep you from the More of God? 
even my own children can feel like an obstacle. maybe i should include them more in my spiritual life but it feels counterproductive because i'm certain that at first they will disrupt and distract which will cause me great distress. both about the condition of their own souls and more selfishly, because their foolishness is keeping me from entering in. their noises and not taking it seriously, too much for my untrained flesh.
but they must learn.
and so must i.
but maybe i should've raised them better - to value and cherish the things of God. they've been to church but that's not enough. our home culture, has it been steeped in God? how much of heaven have they met here? how much of the supernatural realm has been made common to them - the prophetic, angelic activity, signs + wonders, healings, miracles, dreams! why should they not know th…

my revival

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as each year wraps up, i turn in and ask God for a word. 
a theme for the upcoming year, 
something he is breathing on, 
a work that he wants to do, 
a space he is he guiding me into. 

i can be a little slow about seeing it at first, usually feeling like i'm getting NOTHING, when what's more true is that i'm just not picking up on the crumb trail and seeing where it's leading. a word will surface and i'll not see it. it'll come up again (and again) in conversations, in something i read, in a message i hear and finally...

 *gasp! eyes bright* THAT'S MY WORD!

i'm a quick study. 

this year, my word holds so much weight for me because it takes me back to a heart space i forsook long ago. as i was still seeking and looking and praying, twice i came across this thing that beth moore said. 

i only had to read it once to know that she was talking about me.

“You will watch a generation of Christians –  OF CHRISTIANS  set the Bible aside in an attempt to become more like Jes…