in which i fillet myself like a fish

can i step into the confessional here?

how i wish i could actually. in a small, dark booth, my face hidden.  

it's only thursday and the spotlight has been so turned in on me, my character flaws on full display. 

this though, this is easily the most embarrassing thing i have ever written about myself. i feel so laid bare by this one. first my mouth and now this. 

you know that time Peter denied Jesus 3x in one night. he's making me feel better about myself because i'm not the only fool Jesus ever loved.

it is so hard to tell on myself but it feels just, so. necessary. - if for no other reason than knowing that if i behave similarly in the future, he'll make me do it again!  

hard pass, y'all.

ok so, out with it. what am i blathering about?

oh, you know, just my integrity.

what we do in the dark. who we are in the quiet of our minds where nobody knows. when we're alone. when no one has to know.

this week i have been both a liar and a thief.


i posted an item online to sell and got an inquiry about it. in an attempt to maybe light a small fire under the seller (spark a little FOMO), hands trembling and guilt pounding in my ears (an escape prepared for me!i told him i had another interested buyer.

i did not have another interested buyer.

he pressed me further - have they made an offer?

at this point the only thing that was lit on fire was my stomach, but i continued. "no, they only expressed interest."


why?? i hadn't done that with anything else i had posted to sell... why now?

i still don't know.

what i do know is that item still has not sold.

if i had to guess, i'd say it is the Lord protecting me from prospering from a lie.

and i'm thankful.

a few days later i was at walmart and had picked up a case of water along with a thousand other grocery items. i got to the register and checked out without realizing that i hadn't gotten the girl to scan the water. i take 3 steps from the register and it hits me.

the water.

i could turn and say, "oh! i totally forgot the water. can you ring me up for that?"

but there's another person already in the process of checking out and i want to avoid the inconvenience. is it really a big deal? it's not like i did it on purpose...

i keep walking. 

i get to the exit doors and there's always someone there to check your receipt for unbagged items. sweet girl scanned up and down my long receipt, up and down, up and down and i let her. my heart is pounding and i'm thinking it's not there - but i've been standing here too long to say that now - so i start wondering how am i gonna act natural if this girl says 'your water is not on here'.... 

eventually she says, "oh there it is."

but it wasn't there. she just didn't want to deal with it.

i walked out.

with stolen water.  

my integrity sold for the low low price of $3.33.

why am i writing about this? 

i have asked myself that - and at first, i wasn't sure except that it felt necessary to tell on myself, to bring my own darkness to light - and in this way, not have my enemy triumph over me.

but also because...


i prayed early in january that he would bring a sharpening - to prune the things in my life that are not beneficial. 

there is an anvil in the earth,
 the sharpening of the Lord. 
i welcome it - 
and i ask for grace.

i gave him my heart. and if he asks something of me i want always for my answer to be "yes, Lord, your servant is listening".

the crazy thing is this really is unusual for me. i don't typically do things like this. i'm not in the habit of lying. we are a family that values honesty!! i'm not a common thief!

(and maybe i say this to release the pressure a bit - an attempt to try to buffer myself against what you might think!)

but this week! for whatever reason, i was both. 

...whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.

i'd much rather expose myself than be found out. i don't know about you.

there was a little expression the adults would say when we were kids. "tell the truth and shame the devil." this is what they meant.

that little stanza in the Bible that lists a few of the things the Lord hates comes to mind.
haughty eyes
a lying tongue
feet that are quick to rush into evil
and in the span of one week, i have been guilty of them all. 

i'm so thankful for paul's words in Romans - how many souls have knelt here and felt known and been soothed by this one passage? 

 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. 
The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 
I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, 
they take charge.
I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. 
He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions 
where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, 
but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
romans 7:21-25 msg
i don't say "we've all been there" to soothe myself. i am not trying to assuage my own guilt. i feel it keenly and i'm glad that i do because it is proof to me that God is indeed answering my january prayer with an unmistakable, complete YES.

some answers take time. annnd then others come like a swift kick. 

what i feel more than anything right now in all of this mess that has been my heart and my life this past week is such a love for him, such gratitude. 

my dear friend, whom i'd already confessed these situations to, sent me a sweet reminder this morning. a short text from a book with these words:

'be attentive today to God's conviction 
regarding any way in which you are willfully deceiving others or yourself. 
if He shows you an area to attend to, 
be encouraged: God does not 
reveal sin or weakness to mock us. 
God "reveals to heal."'

he likes to snuggle. he wants us CLOSE.
he knows that sin separates and he wants me near him. he knows that separation from him is my utter destruction. he pulls me in close with conviction, puts his finger on an issue in my heart...
gently confronting...

this is intimacy. that between the two of us, there would be no shadows. 

less struggle. 
more snuggle.

you wash me in mercy, and i am clean.

i know i am forgiven.

PS: i will be going back to that walmart
 to reimburse them the $4 i stole that day. 

nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. and so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
2 corinthians 3:18

UPDATED TO ADD: i have paid my debts. i am free. :)


  1. Less struggle. More snuggle. Yes, please. So much good.


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