the art of integration

i'm fraying at the edge. 

you ever feel like your entire life is colluding against you, fighting to keep you from the More of God? 

even my own children can feel like an obstacle. maybe i should include them more in my spiritual life but it feels counterproductive because i'm certain that at first they will disrupt and distract which will cause me great distress. both about the condition of their own souls and more selfishly, because their foolishness is keeping me from entering in. their noises and not taking it seriously, too much for my untrained flesh.

but they must learn.

and so must i.

but maybe i should've raised them better - to value and cherish the things of God. they've been to church but that's not enough. our home culture, has it been steeped in God? how much of heaven have they met here? how much of the supernatural realm has been made common to them - the prophetic, angelic activity, signs + wonders, healings, miracles, dreams! why should they not know these things?

I assure you: 
The one who believes in Me 
will also do the works that I do. 
And he will do even greater works than these...
John 14:12

i have neglected so much in my own spirit that naturally through my fallow years i failed to pour richly into them.

i had no overflow. my own wineskin, shrunken. dry.

and now here i am wanting so much more for myself, so hungry, wanting more and more and more of God and every responsibility pulls on me - feels like something standing in my way.

i know mothers who do this well - manage both their own hearts and the hearts of their family. these things shouldn't be exclusive of each other but it is a skill i am still trying to develop. how is this done? i want for my kids to love and serve God... and more still! that they ENCOUNTER him regularly. i want them brought up in the culture of heaven. i want to introduce them to God and to help them learn to walk in his FULLNESS. 

i want them to learn to cultivate their own gardens well. 

i want to leave a spiritual legacy because i truly believe nothing i can do will matter more.

... and also, i want to have the time to learn and develop the same things in myself.

ever wish you could step out of your life? cross over into another dimension where all you do is BE with God? i do. my heart loooooongs to sit on the steps of my soul with him - and there are ways for me to do that - in the quiet, in the secret place, in the times that i sacrifice sleep to have a moment with him.

the struggle is that i want to STAY there, and transitioning - leaving that space, re-entry into my life - is so jarring.

so i'm trying to learn the art of integration.

[in-ti-grey-shuh n]
behavior, as of an individual, 
that is in harmony with the environment.

it can be hard to start a new family practice, can't it. it can feel clunkyawkward. but as i'm writing i'm thinking, maybe in the same way that i schedule my own time with God, i need to incorporate into our days a time that we set aside to all gather together, to worship and listen to teachings, to sit and soak in God together.

i suppose i've talked myself into the next step, haven't i. when i sat to write, i just felt fretful. troubled. but it seems a direction has presented itself and i feel good about that. i guess i just needed to talk it out. 

Your ears will hear a word behind you,
 "This is the way, walk in it," 
whenever you turn to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:21

we're all growing from faith to faith to faith -- i know that leaving where i was and moving on toward where i'm going is going to be new. i'm going to a land he will show me, and while i can look back and see where i might've done better, i am not discouraged. i know that my Redeemer lives. 


  1. Let all the thirsty come. . . especially the weak and heavy laden. I'm praying that your family will be quenched by the Rivers of Living Water. I'm excited to hear what the Lord does with your
    dear ones and your dear self. i love your small letters filled with BIG truth.


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